Scheckte the Elf

Ever wonder why you often don't get what you ask for from Santa? It isn't Santa's fault. He delivers the list as he gets it, but his list is compiled by Scheckte the Elf. Scheckte has been in Santa's employ since the population thing started getting out of control after World War 2. He is a bit ornery and often changes the requests ever so slightly. By special arrangement, I was able to see some of this year letters to Santa and Scheckte's responses.

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Dear Santa,

For Christmas this year, I'd like a Cloak of Invisibility like the one Harry Potter has.

Sincerely,
Vladimir Kramnik
Classical World Chess Champion (mostly)

PS Thanks again for last year's gift "Beating the Bum of the
Month" by Joe Louis. It was most instructive.

Dear Vlad,

Please enjoy the enclosed backbone. You may find it handy.

-S
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Dear Santa,

I demand that this year for Christmas that I am released from prison.

Sincerly
Robert James Fischer
Chess Champion of the Universe

Dear Bobby,

I have arranged for you to have citizenship in Iceland. By the way,"Scheckte" is a Yiddish nickname. Enjoy eternity on a big ball of ice, you anti-Semitic f*ck.

-S
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Dear Santa,

For Christmas this year I would like:

1) The Turkish Federation to sponsor my match with Kasimdzhanov (I'll take it from there)
2) A rematch with Kramnik (I'll take it from there)
3) President Putin out of office (I'll take it from there) and
4) Sales of a million plus on latest book about Bobby Fischer

Sincerely,
Gary Kasparov
World's highest Rated player (which really means the World Champion)

Dear Garik,

Quit writing. If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times that making Karpov cough up blood in the middle of your '85 match is all you're getting this liftetime.

-S

PS Find a real barber for God's sake. You look like an idiot.

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Dear Santa,

I enjoyed match with Susan Polgar this year. Next year could you arrange for a rematch at a nudist colony.

-Anatoly Karpov
Former World Chess Champion (before the title got confusing)

Dear Tola,

I'll work on it, but you have to do your part. Read the enclosed copy of the "South Beach Diet". You look like you're having a reaction to a bee sting.

-S
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Dear Santa,

This year for Christmas I'd like to be World Champion again and a goat.

Rustam Kasimdzhanov
Undisputed World Chess Champion (at least in Uzbekistan)

Dear Rustam,

I'd love to bring you the goat. Where in the hell is Uzbekistan?

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Dear Santa,

This year I would just like a chance to sit down and play with the other great minds of my time to determine once and for all who is the World champion. I hope to win but frankly just want the chance for a good battle solved over the board and not through politics.

Humbly submitted,
Viswanathan Anand

Dear Vishy,

Finally somebody writes me to ask for something easy. You'll need to study hard because you are not as experienced as the other competitors. Please read the enclosed copy of Learn to Play Go to bone up before the match.

-S
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Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!
-Don