Man de la Maza

Friday, December 24, 2004

Scheckte the Elf

Ever wonder why you often don't get what you ask for from Santa? It isn't Santa's fault. He delivers the list as he gets it, but his list is compiled by Scheckte the Elf. Scheckte has been in Santa's employ since the population thing started getting out of control after World War 2. He is a bit ornery and often changes the requests ever so slightly. By special arrangement, I was able to see some of this year letters to Santa and Scheckte's responses.

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Dear Santa,

For Christmas this year, I'd like a Cloak of Invisibility like the one Harry Potter has.

Sincerely,
Vladimir Kramnik
Classical World Chess Champion (mostly)

PS Thanks again for last year's gift "Beating the Bum of the
Month" by Joe Louis. It was most instructive.

Dear Vlad,

Please enjoy the enclosed backbone. You may find it handy.

-S

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Dear Santa,

I demand that this year for Christmas that I am released from prison.

Sincerly
Robert James Fischer
Chess Champion of the Universe

Dear Bobby,

I have arranged for you to have citizenship in Iceland. By the way,"Scheckte" is a Yiddish nickname. Enjoy eternity on a big ball of ice, you anti-Semitic f*ck.

-S

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Dear Santa,

For Christmas this year I would like:

1) The Turkish Federation to sponsor my match with Kasimdzhanov (I'll take it from there)
2) A rematch with Kramnik (I'll take it from there)
3) President Putin out of office (I'll take it from there) and
4) Sales of a million plus on latest book about Bobby Fischer

Sincerely,
Gary Kasparov
World's highest Rated player (which really means the World Champion)

Dear Garik,

Quit writing. If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times that making Karpov cough up blood in the middle of your '85 match is all you're getting this liftetime.

-S

PS Find a real barber for God's sake. You look like an idiot.


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Dear Santa,

I enjoyed match with Susan Polgar this year. Next year could you arrange for a rematch at a nudist colony.

-Anatoly Karpov
Former World Chess Champion (before the title got confusing)

Dear Tola,

I'll work on it, but you have to do your part. Read the enclosed copy of the "South Beach Diet". You look like you're having a reaction to a bee sting.

-S

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Dear Santa,

This year for Christmas I'd like to be World Champion again and a goat.

Rustam Kasimdzhanov
Undisputed World Chess Champion (at least in Uzbekistan)

Dear Rustam,

I'd love to bring you the goat. Where in the hell is Uzbekistan?


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Dear Santa,

This year I would just like a chance to sit down and play with the other great minds of my time to determine once and for all who is the World champion. I hope to win but frankly just want the chance for a good battle solved over the board and not through politics.

Humbly submitted,
Viswanathan Anand

Dear Vishy,

Finally somebody writes me to ask for something easy. You'll need to study hard because you are not as experienced as the other competitors. Please read the enclosed copy of Learn to Play Go to bone up before the match.

-S

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Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!
-Don

9 Comments:

  • Bravo! Merry Christmas!

    By Blogger Pale Morning Dun - Errant Knight de la Maza, at 2:22 PM  

  • Merry Christmas!

    By Blogger David Blue, at 3:54 AM  

  • I hope the sniffles haven't claimed you too.

    By Blogger Sancho Pawnza, at 8:16 PM  

  • Nope, just been out of town and such. Will get a post up soon.

    By Blogger Don Q., at 10:06 PM  

  • This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    By Blogger baby-dollz, at 11:32 PM  

  • This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    By Blogger Antonio Hicks, at 9:13 PM  

  • Well done on a nice blog Don, Sir Chubalot. I was searching for information on Christmas gift ideas and came across your post Scheckte the Elf - not quite what I was looking for related to Christmas gift ideas but very nice all the same!

    We're all getting ready for Christmas and I've just put the finishing touches to my new site specially for kids, or rather their parents and relatives. You can go there and get Santa to send a really nice personalized letter to a youngster. It's great fun! If you have a moment, perhaps you'd enjoy taking a look: Letter from Santa .

    Well, a merry Christmas to you and yours!

    By Anonymous personalized Christmas stockings, at 5:19 PM  

  • Hi Don, Sir Chubalot,

    I am a writer and I research gift ideas for e-books on original gift ideas for Christmas and other events like Valentine's, Easter etc. I also organize gift ideas per receiver, like for babies, for kids, for teens, for grandparents, for dog lovers, for him, for her, etc Or I organize them by category like romantic gifts and inexpensive gifts. In my research I also go through blogs that mention gifts and gift ideas or events like Christmas. That is how I came upon your blog this post. I would appreciate if you would share just one successful gift idea with me, for instance a Christmas gift for a dog lover. I hope that my question doesn't annoy you. And I apologize if it does. I thought if I'd just ask enough people I'd wind up with plenty of good ideas to share with others again. That is what networking is all about, right? Or let's call it the spirit of Christmas. Let me know if I can do something for you. You can find my free e-books with gift ideas here: http://www.100mostoriginalgiftideas.com. God bless.

    Chevalier Blanc

    By Anonymous Christmas gift for a baby, at 12:21 AM  

  • Incidentally, there was a go master from Japan (world champion, I believe) who started playing chess and became an IM..

    By Blogger blind3, at 4:56 AM  

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