Man de la Maza v. Kramnik

In a suprise move, Vladimir Kramnik has announced that he will play unknown Don Queue, the Man de la Maza, in a 12 game match for the Classical World Chess Championship. We bring you the transcript of their press conference.

Kramnik: Through generous sponsorship of the GP tobacco Company, match will take place in Holiday Inn in Cleveland, Ohio. Prize fund of $750 is modest, but I wanted to put silly unification talk behind me and get back to playing chess.

Press: Mr. Kramnik, do you think that there is much credence to a title defense in which you are playing against a player who is not even a National Master?

Kramnik: Yes, but he has done lot of chess problems and is club champion in home town!

Man de la Maza: Runner up actually ...

Kramnik : Yes, excuse me, runner up, but you were better in final game, you just should have kicked bishop on move 17. It is not always about titles; it is about creativity and excitement.

Press: But if you really wanted an exciting choice, why not play Annand?

Kramnik: Annand is great player and I am sure we will meet over board in a match in very near decade, but I feel future of chess is America. I want to play Amercian.

Press: How about US Champion GM Hikaru Nakamura? He is American.

Kramnik: That is interesting point that I would like to address directly ... Any other questions?

Press: For the challenger, Mr. Queue, what do you think your chances are?

Man de la Maza: I'm just here to kick ass and chew bubble gum.

{silence}

Man de la Maza: And I'm all out of bubble gum.

Press: Ah, exactly ...

Man de la Maza: This man ain't no champ; he's a chump. My grandmother plays better chess than him, and she doesn't know how to move her knights.

Kramnik: (Smiles) Oh yes, I see. In my country, we have no tradition of gamesmanship. Actually what you have said would be considered a little bit rude ...

Man de la Maza: I ain't gonna take a dive like Sugar Daddy Kasparov, and I ain't no rosy cheeked Hungarian marionette poster child for lederhosen abuse. Bring that weak ass Berlin defense against me and see what happens.

Kramnik: I think perhaps we should end ...

Man de la Maza: How many Kramnik's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Press: How many?

Man de la Maza: I dunno but would you like a draw?

Press: (laughs)

Kramnik: This is not funny. It does not even make sense. If you want funny joke, I tell you one ...

Man de la Maza: Please don't trot out the one about the the man and the dog playing chess in the park.

(silence)

Kramnik: It is funny joke.

Man de la Maza: You're a joke Comrade Drawzavich! I'm gonna beat you like I was your Daddy.

Kramnik: OK, enough. Let's ...

Man de la Maza: Take the trophy off the shelf, cause I'm gonna do it in twelve.

Kramnik: Quiet, please!

Man de la Maza: Since you ugly as sin, I think I'll beat you in ten.

Kramnik: OK, Mr Nancy boy. Now you make me angry! I not take slow approach but blow you off board.

Man de la Maza: I'm too pretty to beat. No one who looks like Dracula's gay librarian brother gonna beat me.

Kramnik: AFTER match, only job left for you will be my girlfriend!

Man de la Maza: That's OK cuz she's been living large at the castle de la Maza for weeks now. Says I paint better than you too!

Kramnik: OK, THAT ONE WAS YOUR ASS! IT'S GO TIME!

At this point the press conference came to an abrupt end. In the ensuing scuffle, Mr. Kramnik glasses were broken and Mr. Queue spilled his Tab. The players were separated by their seconds, GM Peter Svidler and a guy named Dave. The match is scheduled to begin on March 30, 2005.

Hat Tip to DG and HarleyWriter.